I'm trying to decide....
Am I in the late winter funk? Or am I just grumpy? Or is it both?
We're past the half-way mark of February and I will admit, I'm sick of the snow. I want to see green grass, leaves on the trees and sit out on the swing in my back yard and read a book. I'm tired of shoveling (but am grateful for the unknown neighbor who shoveled my driveway this morning!)
When I lived in Oregon, February was the month that winter started going away and spring started. I only lived there 6 years and I've been here in Florin for 10, but my internal seasonal clock still says that when February starts drawing to a close, there are supposed to be green things shooting out of the ground!
I think my funk started a week ago when I was verbally assaulted in church. I won't go into details here because I have ward members that read this blog and I don't want anyone to feel bad toward the person that yelled at me. But I really started evaluating things after that happened. I felt at the time and still feel that I was innocent and didn't deserve the way she treated me. Yet, obviously something set her off. Was it really me? Am I bad? Am I unlikeable? How do I treat people?
I realize and understand that there is always room for growth. Maybe my attempt at humor hurt someone's feelings. Maybe I wasn't sensitive enough to a person who was struggling with an issue. Maybe someone smiled at me and I didn't smile back because I didn't see them. Am I too selfish? Too self absorbed?
Or is my funk the fact that Max is travelling a lot for work and we see him less? My partner and my companion is just not here to help as much as I'm used to. And it's not just helping with the kids or the house... it's just being together. My "love language" is quality time. I start shrivelling up if I don't get it. He's so good that when he is home he makes sure to take me somewhere where we can be alone and talk face to face, but I miss seeing his face every night at the dinner table.
Or is my funk that I'm too hard on myself? Am I a good enough mother? Am I teaching my children the things they need to be successful in the world? Will they have their own strong testimony when they leave the house? Am I a good enough YW leader? Am I fulfilling my calling to the best of my ability?
On a more superficial side: I'm struggling in my pottery class. For the life of me, I can't get that clay to center on the wheel and it bugs me!! Why can't I do it? Why aren't my pieces beautiful works of art? and Why can't I be a better photographer? I have beautiful photos in my head, but can't seem to get them to translate to the camera. (Both these things should improve with practice but I'm impatient. I think I should be good at them NOW!!)
Or, ultimately, am I just sick of winter? Do I need more fresh air? Will that fresh air make me treat others better?
Or do I just need to vent?
(No worries. Ultimately, I'm an optimistic person and I know that with time I will work things out and have a good attitude again!)